You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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