The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
