when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
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