just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
