i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
