The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
