I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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