at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
