I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
