sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
