the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
