Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
