After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
