my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
