The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
