In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
