so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
