Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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