I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
