I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
