96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm passing your future prison.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
