Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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