You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
