my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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