When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
