Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
