Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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