I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
