Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
