You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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