Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
