after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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