Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
