we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
