At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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