I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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