White coat. Heels.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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