i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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