last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
