The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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