When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
