if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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