That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
