You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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