i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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