No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
