I cannot find my penis.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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