I'm so fucking centered right now
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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