I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
