I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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